Psychopaths and Ns, as well as other abusers often massively use passive aggressive tactics, as well as overt and covert aggression. They are indicators that the person is not willing to take responsibility for their interactions. They are signposts for us as well.......
How do you recognize a "red flag?" It will be a thought or concern that jumps out at you that you quickly rationalize, excuse, or justify.... They are surfacing for a reason, pay attention when they do....
| RED FLAG | JUSTIFICATION | REALITY |
| Showed no anger | Did not see it as a problem | Should have, everyone gets angry, surfaced later; indirectly, covertly... |
| Committed Adultery | Everyone makes mistakes | Never admitted to making a mistake...When asked why they broke up, said, "she bitched too much." |
| Indirectly blamed ex-wife for everything | Thought how terrible she must have been, she didn't understand him | Didn't make himself understood, later it was implied that all problems were my fault as well. |
| Appeared to have had a lot of misfortune but would not "talk about it". | Felt very sorry for him, felt that he needed someone to love and treat him well. | A martyr....carries around old wounds like a badge of honor... |
| 1st trip together, asked another couple to go along without informing me, or asking me | Shy | Intimacy problems, not to mention no regard for my preferences |
| Showed more sensitivity and concern for others than for me | Thought eventually I would "earn" his respect, concenrn, etc. | No one should have to earn "respect" for their feelings |
| Wouldn't talk about prior relationships/hispast or communicate about our relationship | Shy, introverted | Hiding something? Emotionally shut down...Communication is a must in any relationship |
| Relative told me that I was good for him | Boost to my ego | Should have questioned why he needed someone to "be good for him" |
| Another relative said that he was cold and unfeeling | Again, thought he was misunderstood, was treating me well | He was cold and unfeeling once we were married...should have questioned why a relative would say that.... |
| Ask me to sell my home, and move into one he co-owned with a relative which he planned on "giving" to that relative at a later date | I was very angry when this happened. | This should have stopped me in my tracks...and sent me running...realizing that I would always be last on the list.... |
Used with permission from a very fine site [3/03]: http://www.passiveaggressive.homestead.com/RedFlags.html
Please help me with this: I think the man I'm with is N. I feel he has over 10 of the 20 characteristics Invicta listed. He's very intelligent, but seems to always be trying to make sure I and others don't forget it. He very frequently has to correct me, often by interrupting and expanding my comment with a lot more info on the topic and veering off into unrelated info. I call these his "lectures. Often something on tv might trigger him to start talking about something he feels knowledgeable with, or that he feels was flawed and he has the remedy. He has embarrassed me by giving his lectures in public to captive audiences. It's mostly about him, where he's from (germany), how much more they have done and achieved, how there would be no US without them, the US needs to learn from them, etc.
ReplyDeleteI feel demeaned and put down when he jumps to any way to correct me. He even suddenly asks me if I know about something in my country's or state's history, then when I don't recall or know much about it, he says "Ha! you don't know about your own history!. I think he haslow esteem due to his own lack of professional education. He keeps saying he has a "technician degree"(?)
He's very good at the job he has now, but has a history of lots of jobs, mostly not connected to a particular field. He claims he had bankrupcty and a foreclosure because his ex wives spent too much of the money he made and trusted them with. He claims he allowed them to buy things like 1K dresses, 20K dining set, and took them on frequent vacations. But I'm not getting a fraction of that. He's questioned me about my finances,then he denies asking me about it. He frequently denies saying and doing things he's done, like I'm nuts.
He snooped into my meds, looked them up, then kept accusing me of having a mental illness I didn't reveal. I take a med created for depression, but it is prescribed for my FMS. But he diagnoses me with GAD. Sure I'm anxious when he comes through the door! I don't get what he has to gain by proving I'm mentally ill, unless it's to take over my property and bank accounts.
(I am hiding important documents, comp files are encrypted,am paperless on most statements,others get shredded.
When I said I wanted a divorce, he threatened suicide, said I'm ruining his life, taken advantage of him, and caused him to have no reason to live.
I'm on his bank account, but have not used it. I do have my own account. He can have everything he brought into it - which was very little. House and car are mine.
Is there at least a way to effectively counter the putting down? It angers me, and when I try to defend myself he takes over the conversation, throwing things not even relevant - just things to criticize about me, and claim he treats me very well.
When I feel it starting, shall i get up, excuse myself politely, walk away for a while, stay bust and not bring it up again?
How can you dampen their game?
Deb
Hi Deb
ReplyDeleteSounds to me like you need to get out, and fast. He makes a point of making you not feel good - that is typical (I know) and you will lose your self esteem if you don't get out.
Getting rid of my N is a nightmare. Most of the harrassment is cyber-harassment, but it has been going on for 2y now and I am pretty well exhausted.
I think he will always blame you (or someone else) for everything - he is perfect and blameless and all is your (or another's) fault... Ns cannot take self-blame and rejection on board. Take cover and support from friends and colleagues. Get him out of your life as soon as you can. If necessary use "official channels". Can't say I have had much help from the police, but I live in hope.
Be prepared for it getting worse before it gets better and strengthen yourself in any way you can - both physically and mentally.
Make a list of all your warning flags and look at them - you will get to a point where you think - how could I have been so blind? We all think that, don't worry.
Good luck and I hope you get your freedom from this!
GET OUT yesterday. All the signs are there. I was married to an N for a long time, we're divorced now. At the end, he 'diagnosed' me as having a personality disorder, which is the furthest thing from the truth. That applies to him, which is very apparent. This was an example of projection. They have to find fault with and place blame on you when they are the ones who actually have (or caused) the problem. This goes hand in hand with 'crazy making.' Another hallmark is the denial of something they did, often right in front of you. You're NOT crazy, THEY are the disordered ones. They are also cruel and malicious. I was trapped for a long time because he controlled all the finances. You are in the driver's seat here. Protect your assets and leave him before he steals them because that is surely his plan. You're nothing to him, an object and when he has gotten what he wants (possibly money) from you and you're no longer useful he will discard you. Run.
ReplyDelete