Loving Narcissists and the Myth of No Contact

November 18, 2009

I think that the exhortation of "no contact" with the narcissist, although rightful in its claim, loses something in the execution. If you begin with "no contact" as a strategy or goal, you are likely to fail. Your feelings and belief system will conquer you. "No contact" is not a must per se; it is something that you find yourself desiring because now you have the narcissist's number. No self-respecting person, and that means, all of us, wants to continue playing with a powerful and sadistic 3 year old. So, your nature will take its course.

If you don't first begin to study and recognise the narcissist within that fancy dancing package, then by focusing on establishing "no contact" at the cost of the complexity of what's happening to your psyche, you will continue to fight your feelings (see, Ten Ways to Freedom from Narcissists) and not the narcissist and their pull. The more you get to know what they're doing, what they are really like, see it for yourself with a clear eye, the more you observe and catalogue, the greater becomes the desire to not inhabit the narcissist's planet any longer.

If they are physically abusive, then, yes, of course, leave if you can. If they have made you so sick that you're ready for intensive care, and you can manage it, then leave. Seek help and support and a safe place. Self preservation supersedes anything else. But it seems that a lot of relationships with narcissists are somewhere in between, often ambiguous and ambivalent, based on exceptionally intense feelings from the victim, and feelings of loyalty and commitment, among others- the "shoulds".

Yes, if you can manage "no contact" because you feel in your gut it is healthier for you than the narcissist, then act upon it. But more powerful and longlasting is the organic desire for no contact, the repulsion and indignity felt and known at the thought of someone trying to suck you in, whether this narcissist or any other, because finally you are beginning to see "a soul with no footprints", the predictable groteseque within. If you remain resolved, the temptation to listen to and believe the narcissist lessens over time and in its place grows a steadfastness that will no longer allow this misshapen freak to dictate the terms of our inner and outer lives. And the reason you now can use that word, "allow", is because now you have a real choice in a way you never had when your mind and emotions were held in thrall while being expertly and methodically raped.

In my experience, people keep going back to the narcissist because their feelings and belief system are continuously manipulated and transfigured into the narcissist's desire or fantasy. Narcissists can be a convincing lot and our own beliefs and feelings find reinforcement, not only from them, but from ourselves. "No contact" is the brute force attempt, in my estimation, to separate from the beautiful illusion so hankered for that they sell us, thinking it reality. When in fact, what we need to do, is gradually separate from the actual and absolute truth, what they really are and do. And to see the unholy damage they leave in their wake.

I believe that healing from trauma is a process of transformation, and cannot be forced, willed or manipulated. "No contact" has grown into a huge, mythological chimera that claims to cure most ills. It doesn't. It's only a part of the equation.

~ © InvictaMA 2009

Ten Ways to Freedom from Narcissists

November 3, 2009

Once in a while, someone writes to me for advice. I do not counsel over the net. But the issues that come up are usually the same ones over and over again because disordered machinations are predictably similar.

The following are all steps that I took to free myself from psychoguy's poisonous grasp. It very important to understand that the moves narcissists and psychopaths use change our brain chemistry over time. It is brainwashing. Therefore, the only effective way to free oneself of the narcissist's influence is through deprogramming.

I only dealt with psychoguy on the internet, but he did the same kind of
"love bombing" that I am sure many of those victimised by narcissists experience. In real life, a girlfriend who turned out to be a narcissist thought the world of me, came to me for advice, and would do anything for me; she was so like me, and so perfect until the cracks began to show. They cannot keep up the facade for very long. But they are masters, if you don't know better, at getting you hooked.

This feeling of "love" that we have is more intense than normal because first they flood you with expressions of love and then they withhold and then they give a little, and over time this changes our brain chemistry- it's a form of manipulation, control and brainwashing.

There is no doubt that we have loved. It's just that narcissists can't love you back. And there is no doubt that it is not a good idea to depend on
the strength of your feeling for a narcissist, but to listen to your gut. What happens with these types is that we get so caught up in the feeling and don't listen to the alarms and red flags that usually guide our way.

1. Educate Yourself
The most important thing you need to do is learn everything you can
about the disordered and how they operate. You must educate yourself.
Repeat and repeat and repeat. Unless you educate yourself you will
never be free of their toxic enmeshment. Because they don't think and
feel as we do, we cannot treat them like we do "normal" people/ourselves. Nor is it any use feeling sorry for them when you are trapped with them because they will simply use all your feeling against you. You need to harden your heart in order to see very clearly what you are dealing with.

2. Observe and Trust Your Gut
Distinguish between what is feeling in yourself and your gut
instinct, and switch to trusting your gut. You are in poor physical
and emotional and mental health because you are struggling to
understand behaviour that on the surface contradicts the words.

Never listen to words. Observe the behaviour. It is by behaviour that we
really know people. Words are just a con job. You are worn out and
sick because your psyche and body are telling you there is something
terribly wrong when there is an illusion of everything being right
(because he tells you so) and this is a very hard thing to accept. If it feels wrong, it is wrong. Be a scientist. Silently observe what is really happening.

3. Stay Out of Their Head
Get back inside your own where you belong. It's a mindfulness thing. Watch how hard that is because they've trained you well. Don't try to figure out what they're up to, what's in their mind, or second guess them. Getting into their head means trying to figure out their motives, trying to make excuses for them, trying to rationalise their behaviour, trying to manipulate them, and especially getting sucked into the content.

When you catch yourself, wrench yourself away from it and think about something else. I used to use a Hebrew blessing as a mantra when my mind wandered into poisonous realms. This is a challenge because it takes a huge force of will to do this and goes against all the training they gave you to ensure that they take up all the space inside your head.

4. Ignore Content
There is no content for narcissists except the kind that will suck you in. I had to train myself to ignore the content. It's not a question of belief or disbelief. It's about tearing yourself away from everything being about them during all your waking hours and probably your dreams.

Do not listen to or give importance to the content of what narcissists say. It is their way of sucking you into their world and keeping you there, a world of total mindfuck where you always end up the bad guy. They don't make common sense and keep moving the boundaries and goalposts to keep you destabilised. Listening to the content stresses your cognitive functioning- it is crazymaking. Know that whatever they say has something in it for them, no matter how reasonable or wonderful it seems. It is all about them and they want you to be all about them as well and they will do and say anything to you to keep you trapped in their little dream world. Instead, observe what they are doing.

5. Protect Your Assets.
If need be, squirrel away money. They will bleed you dry. Protect anything that is precious to you. If you think about being fair and noble, you might be left destitute.

6. Silence is Golden
It is natural to want to share yourself with your soulmate. But you do not have a soulmate; you have a narcissist pretending to be a soulmate. Resist the temptation to tell them everything you think and feel. You cannot move them. They will use it against you. The more open you are, the more
artillery they have. They love for you to share. If you need to say anything, either dissemble or be vague or neutral or change the subject. Everyone has ways to withhold, so use your particular way to protect yourself.

7. Who Are You?
Know what you stand for and know what you are willing to live and die for. Or anyone can persuade you of anything. Without knowing yourself, you have few boundaries about what you are willing or not willing to tolerate. Strengthen that belief system and set of values that you cherish. Then you will know what to do and how to act and not waver.

8. It's a Marathon
Keep observing and reading. Once you learn what manipulative
tricks they can use, you will observe them happening. This is a huge
reinforcement for you, a way of deprogramming from the illusion of
great, soulful love or familial love or friendly love they have set up for you. This does not happen overnight. It's a long distance goal. Be kind to yourself and patient. You are learning new ways to act in the world and redefining yourself and your beliefs, especially about people and relationships. Give yourself time to deal with all that's happening. Nothing will change overnight. It's a marathon.

9. Get Support
Anyone dealing intimately with the disordered is going to be emotionally and mentally abused. It's important to have support whether it is a good
friend, a counsellor, a group for the abused, even the internet
though that is a more dangerous undertaking and not one I recommend. Along with support, the most important thing is to start to get back your health and your sanity with small things that give you pleasure or joy or peace. We all have something we love to do.

I would also recommend that if you seek counselling that you find someone in your area that deals with trauma and/or abuse. Do not try this over the internet or by phone. In addition, do not buy e-books that invariably are self-published, because they don't answer to any mental health, ethical or professional standard; charlatans/narcissists abound on the net.

10. Nurture Your Soul
Once in a while, do some small kind thing for someone that will make their day. Do it anonymously and quietly. Say something complimentary to someone, even a stranger. Make one of your little dreams come true, for yourself. Get back in touch with your religion if you have a faith. Breathe in the fresh air and know that one day you will be free and life will be so much better.

I cannot stress enough that educating yourself is the only way to get your self and your life back. From there, everything else follows.

~ © InvictaMA 2009

Sam Vaknin: Diagnosed Psychopath

July 24, 2009 Update : Dr Robert Hare reacts to the film (below)
Filmmaker says that DVD coming out soon!

August 27, 2009 Update: Thanks to commenter, Barbara, we now have a link where you can watch it in full online. I, Psychopath

March 26, 2009

I have been debunking SV and his acolytes ever since an aborted stint of revictimisation on his forum at Suite 101 (now, happily, defunct.) I have always asserted that he is a psychopath: Anatomy of Malignant Narcissism, Malignant Narcissism: Vaknin Revisited.

I was watching a documentary last night, "I, Psychopath" where a purported psychopath allows himself to be filmed as he travels in search of a diagnosis. It turned out to be Sam Vaknin. What the...? He has always proclaimed himself a narcissist, spamming the web with declarations of extra special knowledge, with particular insight into the victims of narcissists.

I was blown away. This little gem of a documentary follows him and his wife of 11 years, as they are tested and interviewed by various researchers, SV for psychopathy, Lydja as victim. There is now solid, empirical proof that he is a psychopath.

Outcomes:
In England, SV was given the MMPI. He began to throw a tantrum when the researcher, a psychologist, probed about his so-called Ph.D., which we know for fact, is from a diploma mill. Can't touch Sammy's ego, expose him, even though in a sequence later, he casually had admitted to the film-maker, Ian Walker, that he, indeed, purchased it from a diploma-mill and that it's worthless. Which throws the filmmaker for a loop. SV simply moved the goalposts when it was to his advantage. What we see here is the psychopath playing whatever angle suits him at the moment. For him, all "truths' are equal. He is not invested in any of them, or, as it turns out, in anything.

His MMPI profile was illustrated by a graph showing several personality disorders; this, as I understand, represented a 'trend' which is compared with similar graphic trends from different populations: successful corporate psychopaths, criminal psychopaths, and the psychiatric population. SV boasts that he made and lost millions and that is borne out in the research. But, surprisingly, SV did not match the trend of successful corporate psychopaths- he matched the psychiatric population! In other words, he's nothing special.

Afterwards, the researcher mused about the implications: what does someone do, how does someone manage, if they lose that identity? Walker took it a step further: was SV putting on this persona and he really wasn't a psychopath? Was he conning everyone about being a con? Yet conning suggests a psychopath!

Secondly, SV's wife of 11 years, Lidja, was interviewed by another researcher who studies victims of psychopaths. She was tested, and then asked to answer the psychopathy checklist for SV. She scored similarly to other victims of psychopaths in that she was highly empathic, highly emotional and generous. Yet, her scores for SV on the psychopathy checklist were very low, which the researcher said was unusual. Asked about her perception of SV afterwards, Lidja asserted that he was not abusive and was an honest man.

Yet late in the film, we hear her being callously and coldly evaluated, 'clinically' trashed by SV in a separate interview. He 'dispassionately' asserts that there is no love and no sex and she wants a baby but there will be no baby and yet she stays. It's an intensely humiliating moment for Lydja, as she watches the tape and has no obvious reaction though there is a light veil of frozen pain suffusing her face. Much later on she says she had given up on love so then she met SV. In my estimation her reactions and thoughts were classically those of someone completely held in thrall, brainwashed. SV is no slouch in that department and very thorough.

The third set of researchers in Germany revealed some truly hard evidence. SV and Lydja were subjected to MRIs to watch for changes in the insula, an area of the brain which has a role in basic emotions. They were each given a visual challenge to control their emotions; emotions were quantified visually by a bar graph for the subject who must then think of things to raise the bar or lower it. His wife was the control subject and showed normal emotional response. His flatlined. SV is only capable of "cold emotion".

SV was also given a battery of tests and a series of interviews over several days, and the researchers secretly obtained reports from his family in Israel. He was also given an abbreviated version of the Hare Psychopathy Checklist .

On the European scale SV scored a 13 which suggests he is not a psychopath. He immediately adapted to that idea by saying he always thought he was a narcissist anyway. On the American scale, he scored an 18, which Hare, in the film, said represents less than 1% of the general population. In relation to psychopathy, it is in the stratosphere.

Sam Vaknin is a psychopath (I believe him to be a sadistic psychopath), not just a garden variety narcissist. He has adopted this persona of narcissist because it suits his purposes and allows him to victimise a world full of vulnerable people while aggrandising and amusing himself. He purportedly has an IQ of 185; that's a lot of potential damage.

The most telling aspect of this film for me is the effect of hanging with SV on the film-maker, Walker. There are secret camera-phone videos of SV raging at him. More on this later.

I, too, was creeped out; I have described in the past how insidious and toxic are the effects of a psychopath on the victim's psyche. I described it as a slowly creeping poison***. That's what the psychopath says at the beginning- those are his exact words. What were the chances, huh? And that is what we see in the film- how over time SV affects Walker's ability to think straight, raises doubts about his perceptions and reality. It's a perfect case study of what happens when you come into contact with a mental rapist. You can see the mind fuck unfolding and if you're really well-versed in their strategies, you can see how the psychopath operates. And of course, the most important aspect to the mind fuck is that the victim listens to the content.

And therein lies the crux and the warning, in my estimation: if you listen to the content, you will be destabilised and lose your mental and emotional footing, you will be subtly undermined, mind fucked and start to fragment and disintegrate bit by slow bit. It concerns me because SV's essays on the victims of narcissists is a psychopath's unreal, distorted assessment of human beings. As a psychopath, he is not capable of seeing human beings as a whole; he is only capable of seeing them through a damaged and twisted lense. Anyone who listens to his perceptions and especially his advice, no matter how convincing it seems, is being revictimised and damaged further. The psychopath does only damage. SV is the (also psychopathic) L Ron Hubbard of the psychobabble movement.

The psychopath lives from moment to moment, changes his story at will, and is not invested in anything. The only true emotions he knows are paranoia, rage and contempt. The thin veneer of civilisation and civility lies in his moments as a 'master assessor' of the human condition. Psych speak is his nuclear arsenal. That is all. He has no insight into himself or anyone else. Just jargon. His entire world is created of psychiatrese. There is nothing real about it, or understandable. He is merely a technician who is incapable of fixing anything. His pyrotechnical con is just more elaborate than most. Epic fail.

The final moments of the film are spent with the reactions of the filmmaker, Ian Walker, as SV (via secret camera) rages on and on at him, not bothering with charm any longer. Unleashing on him an unrelieved arsenal of criticism and scorn, I wonder why... I think it's because the filming was coming to an end and the filmmaker was no longer useful... Or it amused the psychopath to do it... It's about control... Whatever. I realise I am getting seduced by the content. 'Why' doesn't really matter when it comes to dealing with a psychopath.

Walker admits to doubting his own reality over time, that he is starting to wonder if he is to blame for everything, wonders if he is being manipulated to make the film that SV wants. He cancels the last day of filming, there is a cold parting. In his hotel room, while scraping off a scruffy, days old beard, he takes a long, hot, cleansing shower.

I, Psychopath

http://www.cbc.ca/documentaries/wilddocs/2009/psychopath/index.html

Nearing the end of the film, and seeing Walker's dawning distress, I became agitated. Even watching it, you feel the mind fuck over time. This is what it was like for me with psychoguy- he didn't rage per se, unless you can call rage an icy and callous barely hidden moral imperiousness. They adapt to the interests and 'vulnerabilities' of the person they've targeted for their own desires; I truly doubt that they know the reasons. Now I feel like taking a shower.

After watching this, I seriously entertained for the first time, the notion of whether psychopaths are actually human as we understand human beings to be. I have called psychopaths subhuman in the past. They look like human beings, walk and talk like human beings, but what if they are am evolutionary sub-species, indeed, subhuman? The majority of research suggests that they are hard-wired. Perhaps there should be a new homus sub-classification for them. Is it possible that they, at best, possess only a rudimentary soul?

*** Date: December 18, 2001 11:25 AM
He's the master of the single word or two- injected poison in a sentence. No need to abuse and trash. Better to hit the nerve. Better to do it exquisitely, with finesse.

have been to your site and read your N's trash. I don't know how you can take it. The only way I would be able to is to ignore it. Nowadays I turn a blind eye to that sort of thing, recognise it for what it is and ignore it. It's purely trash and means nothing. I don't think there's any emotion whatsoever behind it. Sometimes I don't think it's even hatred. It's just him trying to keep you in the game. I truly don't think they're angry all the time. Even angry words may be without feeling, cause I think it's all for effect. "IloveyouIhateyou" often I think it's all the same to them, often it seems that words have no meaning for them. Just a weapon, a poison dart to throw at the appropriate time to keep control.

From: InvictaTwo (Original Message)

Sent: 11/11/2004 3:37 AM

From: InvictaTwo Sent: 4/23/2003 12:08 AM

Brandi,
I felt after a certain point that psychoguy was trying to merge with me, that that's what he wanted. That somehow his poison would become mine and he would not be alone. He injected it into me bit by bit. and his poison lived inside of me and felt like mine but I knew it was not. yet, i couldn't rid myself of it- I felt it was too great for me, I felt in thrall, I felt that it might overwhelm me and that I would remain subject to its peculiar, venomous, darkness forever. I was really scared.

A series of dreams and psychic events among other things, plus a Jewish ritual (spiritual)cleansing and prayers for spiritual healing finally pulled me out of it enough to get back on track. But for a very long time I was afraid I would be lost in it. It was frightening. It felt like voodoo.

Most insightful post, btw......and yes it is surreal for you because it is PTS at work as is the fog, it happened to me for months- it is cognitive and physical and the sense of the poison is greater because of that- in a sense, you are still in thrall....but it does get better and the poison seeps away over time. True Life kills it. I promise.
Hugs to you,
~Invicta

Update, July 24, 2009. Response from Dr Hare:

Ian,

Just watched the CBC broadcast of I, Psychopath. You did a brilliant job, arguably the first documentary to capture the complex, fascinating, and destructive interplay between psychopath and victim.

Perhaps most remarkable was your insightful and amazing documentation of the manner in which you became an integral part of the action. You experienced first-hand what it is like to be caught in the psychopath’s web of deceit, manipulation, domination and control, and to be subjected to psychological and emotional abuse that can be every bit as debilitating and demeaning their physical counterparts.

Fortunately your exposure was time-limited, and you were able to extricate yourself from the situation. The other victim in the documentary clearly is not so fortunate. Like many victims she is trapped in a macabre dance with an unfeeling, controlling partner.

Awards for this documentary should follow if there is any justice in the media world.

Robert Hare, PhD

http://www.i-psychopath.com/?page_id=16

Watch it here: I, Psychopath

WELCOME HOME

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Free: Cleckley's "Mask of Sanity"(Pdf format)

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Survivors Speak

"To my experience, a favored technique for Narcissists is to debilitate your identity [personally, I hate the term self-esteem] by levelling false accusations and/or questioning your honesty, fidelity, trustworthiness, your “true” motivations, your “real” character, your sanity and judgement.”
"He was the MASTER of saving up your most personal “confessions” and then using them to tell you why you are so disgusting and sickening.”
"It does take time for our hearts to get the entire message. I think there is a part of us that wants so badly to believe that another person will somehow see the love offered to them and be glad for it, to receive it and appreciate it”.
"I think that only God can forgive this, I don't think about forgiveness. And the hardest part for me to grasp even now, is that there was NO relationship! It never actually existed. There is nothing. Still, it's good to know. I accept it and that knowledge has helped me tremendously to move on."

Welcome Home! You are not alone.........

If you found your way here then you may have encountered someone with narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, or someone who seems to exhibit some symptoms of a psychopath. [Did you know that pathological narcissism may be considered a less severe form of psychopathy? More here: Conscience Continuum

For some survivors it feels like an emotional holocaust. For almost everyone it is misery, a nightmare. Some say it feels like evil.

Sometimes angelic, more often, hell-on-earth, is the emotional rollercoaster due to bipolar, or personality disorders or other types of mental illness? Who wouldn't feel confused and looking for answers?! Especially when we feel the pull towards them, just when we think we might escape it

We may not always find the answers we hope for, but I believe our lives depend on asking the questions. For if we don't know what we stand for, we don't know what we're willing to live and die for. And then it becomes easy for anyone to persuade us of anything.

Know you are not alone in these singular experiences. And you are not alone in seeking answers to your questions.....~ Invicta (MA, Counseling Psychology)

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More here: ThePennyDrops

R.I.P. Tony C. Brown
Kathy Krajco

Mission: Help Yourself (Archive)

Welcome To Our World

This is a place for healing; a place for binding your wounds while binding the wounds of others. It all starts with questions, whether moral/spiritual/existential or practical, that relate to one's encounter with psychopaths or pathological narcissists. If you are in the midst of, or have left, a relationship with someone you suspect to be severely character disordered read carefully and thoughtfully. Objective psychological knowledge (NOT theory), and moral support, IMO, are the most important things, at first.

1) Discover if your encounter might be with a psychopath or character disordered narcissist.

2) If it sounds like there is or has been a psychopath/pathological narcissist in your life, learn as much as humanly possible about what you're dealing with; and it's a good way to emotionally detach. Links are provided and they lead to other links.

3) I have a Masters in Counseling Psychology* which helped me not at all in my encounters [and why should you believe me about the degree?]. However, I was trained rigorously to be discriminating in the psych articles I read- to read critically. Therefore, I cannot recommend certain sites while I can recommend others. This goes for books as well. I have a particular point of view which does not allow for the pathologising of survivors. Online, it is easy to trash survivors of abuse. I was targetted by a net psychopath which has given me some insight, and any views written by me, are strictly from my experiences and not from any books, unless stated otherwise.

4) I realise that informed consent is rare online, that most people just want a safe place. It can be difficult to assess the credibility of many psychological POVs unless trained to do so. Be careful out there, and don't believe everything and everyone you read.

5) Check credential claims of website owners and writers if possible when they present themselves as experts, even self-described survivors. It's easy to lie and to mislead on the web. And aren't you worth the best, not some 3rd rate guru wannabe?

My goal is to uphold the dignity of all wounded survivors wishing to recover who come to this site and/or visit others.

~ Invicta (M.A. Counseling Psychology), Manager

*Disclaimer: The mission of this site is stated clearly; it is a site for education, to provoke thought. All that is discussed on this site is derived from personal experience and insight unless indicated otherwise. The manager accepts no responsibility for any action taken by readers of this site.

Sites To Avoid

The Buddha said,

Do not believe anything on the mere authority of teachers or priests. Accept as true and as the guide to your life only that which accords with your own reason and experience, after thorough investigation. Accept only that which contributes to the well-being of yourself and others.

Remember to exercise reasonable caution in perusing any site that analyses or pathologises the survivor of a relationship with someone pathologically disordered. Please seek legitimate counselling.
Sites and Writings to Question

Online "Help" To Avoid

November 18, 2009

When Victims Prey on Victims

The internet is an excellent place to make lots of money.

Over the years on the internet, I've noticed that the narcissism "business" has flourished by leaps and bounds. There is no greater and easier mark than someone reeling in confusion from an encounter with a narcissist/psychopath. There are no more vulnerable people than children and the abused.

Why are we easy marks? Because victims find it hard for anyone in their lives to understand what it means to be on the receiving end of that barbaric craziness. In addition, most of the information tends to centre around the pathologies themselves and not about the impact on the abused. I am not aware of any comprehensive literature on the net regarding the effects on victims and their lives, and ways to healing.

Hence, we are sitting ducks.

I've written exhaustively about the effects of toxic groups and toxic personalities on myself and others in Sites to Avoid. If you're surfing online for answers to your experience, it means you are very desperate to find information that clarifies, explains, and validates what you are going through. Not only are you desperate, but also extremely vulnerable. You've been kept off balance and disoriented for a long time. No doubt you have been emotionally and mentally abused as well. There is almost no one to turn to. No one to explain it to you. You're pretty well open to anyone and anything that gives you some sense of understanding and relief.

You are a sitting duck.

In the case of toxic groups and personalities, victims suffer further abuse and are pathologised. It's a great place for psychological predators. On the net, anyone can be anything and tell any sort of story. They can play victim so they can victimise you further. People with any sort of background can set up a site and if they play their cards right, or better yet, if they are in marketing, advertising, can parlay their sob stories and "insight" by taking it to the next level- a playground swarming with the walking wounded.

Financial predators
The internet is now flooded with victims of narcissists preying on other victims for material gain. As if their experience and insight allow them to speak with authority and some professional veneer to the degree that they can advise people for big bucks.

They come with various self-described titles, Life Coach, Spiritual Counselor/Advisor, fake degrees/diplomas, degrees/diplomas with no relation to mental health, etc.

They create websites and forums on which they advertise one-on-one "counselling" over the net or phone, and/or write and sell books.

Ebooks
Invariably these books are self-published, often in creative ways. E-books, for example, are so convenient for making money. They can be nakedly self-published, or published through a vanity press (where you pay them money to publish your book), or set up their own press/publishing company, or are realised through some small, obscure company that happily solicits manuscripts hoping to make some money. If it's in a book, it should be legitimate and authoritative, right?

And then all one needs to do is spam various sites and emails and Amazon and other online booksellers with positive reviews. Amazon, for example, sells self-published books all the time, in effect giving the books a veneer of legitimacy.

Caveat Emptor
When you surf the net looking for "expert" help ask yourself these questions:

1. What is their background?

2. What are they selling?

3. Why are you entrusting your life to a perfect stranger?


A Sucker Born Every Minute
You have got to question the motives of anyone who parlays their victimhood into big bucks on the net. It's too easy for them. I personally don't want to place my life and sanity in the hands of a person who picked the net to sell their "help". And they answer to no professional or literary body, or code of ethics; they are not liable for anything.

Looking for the Quick Fix

People in extreme pain tend to look for the quick fix. If you're looking for the quick fix, then you will be disappointed. None of your troubles will be answered in one session. Anticipate a long and expensive relationship. At best, you have bought yourself a friend.

The fact is that there are lots of professional bodies on the net and in the world that you can contact. There is lots of legitimate information that will give you direction. You don't need these strangers.

Check Up On Facts

Check credentials, background, publishing sources, etc. You know the drill. If you don't mind being preyed upon, then go ahead. Because you are being preyed upon, just like the narcissist/psychopath preyed upon you. These victims of narcissism have decided to live off your pain. IMO.