~ © InvictaMA 2010-2012
Saturday, January 31, 2009
January 8, 2010
Someone, a long while ago asked what my life was like now, in the aftermath of the aftermath.
Actually there isn't much to say, because in my day to day life, I don't think about it.
If asked to think about it, there is no doubt that I recall that my brain was fried to a crisp by my encounter with a psychopath; I suspect that some of the damage is permanent. I haven't forgotten, in a distant way, the trauma that I experienced and this is a good thing. But more importantly, I haven't forgotten that I educated myself to identify the personality disordered, the abuse, the trauma symptoms and that has held me in good stead. I am more likely to identify an emotional vampire and remove myself from them than before.
Sometimes it is your boss, and that has happened to me, in the aftermath. When you need a job, you have to find ways to direct their attention from you. But the beauty is that you are not devastated nor feel annihilated- this time. Because you know it's not about you but about them. Sometimes it's a landlady, who holds your life in your hands because you can't afford to go elsewhere; and when you get the cut of her jib and begin changing the rigid social structure that she demands, you see her true colours come out and then you bail at the first opportunity, knowing she's a psycho, and it's not you.
Along with dealing with a psychopath, I was going through heavy life changes like divorce and conversion to another religion, and leaving all I know and madly love and moving to another country. On the psychological stress scale, it was off the charts. And yet here I stand, unbowed. I learned. And learned. And learned a lot.
What helped me most is knowing that it was not my fault. In separating my general psychological issues that everyone possesses, from the abuse and mindfuck that is the narcissist's/psychopath's trademark. In knowing that they cannily target the brightest and best out of primitive, barbaric need; a wimp would not do. In knowing I was dealing with something that was not normal, and in retrospect, subhuman, in my opinion a genetic mutant. You don't need to stick an evil label on them to realise that sucking the life out of you is their mode of operation and the thing you need to avoid with all your might.
For different reasons, 6 years later I entered deep psychotherapy. I can see where some personal issues intersected with psychoguy's ability to target my vulnerabilities. But that is all. Those without empathy have the knack of targetting a person's soft spots; it's not really that special. What makes it special is the kind of people they target, for their qualities, strengths and virtues.
Arguments of evil v sickness will go on, but that doesn't matter to us who were victimised by the personality disordered. All I know now is if I recognise the pattern I need to get myself out, pronto! And I do it. Without doubt, uncertainty, vacillation. I've learned to be harsh and to draw the line about what I will and will not tolerate.
Apart from all of that, I live and I love. It is an amazing life because now, I accept that there are people in this world who represent the dark and evil, and it is not my place to fix them, make them better or even to tolerate them; it's a huge load off me. My eye is objective and neutral. If you try to con me, I will cut you dead. And I largely know when you are trying to con me. I no longer have empathy for everyone in the world. I have learned to be discriminating. Nor, in the present, do I want to perpetuate the drama of having been victimised by this sort. For me, it's truly over.
Life is good without narcissists/psychopaths. I know myself better. I am myself. I love and enjoy and find the world wondrous. I have good and great relationships. I know that I have suffered from PTSD. But oddly, unlike my childhood, I don't relive the psycho moments when they are raised. I think it is because I faced the truth and worked it through. I was not a deer frozen in the headlights. I was an adult with many resources and I used them. I accepted that abnormal people had entered into my life. I accepted that they left damage in their wake and my wake, and that I needed to get them out of my life. Unless you do that, unless you stop blaming yourself, you will never really get out. You will be upholding an image of yourself, but not facing the facts and the truth.
And most importantly, I had somewhere to turn. To the doing of and attending to meaningful things. To kindness and attention to what really mattered in the world, to making a difference. If you pursue superficial and shallow things, soothing baths and candlelight and mantras and affirmations are not going to change the deep structures of your psyche. Nor are step by step solutions, nor "taking responsibility" when it means blaming yourself.
It is better to remember than to forget. And that is why I manage to remain narcissist and psychopath free. Because I took responsibility for my worldview, and looked that befuddling evil straight in the eye, and having known it and understood it, I turned away. To Life. Once I educated myself, I had a choice. And then it became a no brainer.
~ © InvictaMA 2010-2012
~ © InvictaMA 2010-2012