Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Bearing Witness

Another view from a survivor.

Author: Ancient Rain

........funny thing.

I have never seen a Borderline do any lasting harm to anyone, though I
have seen them blamed for a lot they didn't do, and a lot that never
happened. [Note: I don't agree with a BPD designation. ~Invicta]

Yet I have frequently seen psycho/narcissistic personality types torture or
stifle real human beings by millimeters.

I look now at my life, the life that never happened.
All the psychopaths and narcissists gone, safe at last.
My physical health is broken past recovery, in tiny little day to day ways.
I never had time, or a reason to take care of it, or learn how.

I love and am loved in a way I trust as surely as the ground beneath my
But there is nothing inside me that even feels entitled to survival.
I was raised isolated in a psycho/narcissistic environment, where to care
about anything except yourself was a mental illness, where "truth" was
whatever they wanted it to be, not sometimes, not under pressure, but as a way of life.

The only people and behaviours I had a chance to be familiar with are
psycho/narcissistic, and constantly destructive.
A world of lies that exists only in two polyester dimensions.
Where nothing tells the truth reliably, not even the clocks.

I have escaped at last, but everything outside is so unfamiliar to me,
alien, I don't even know the basics, everything I have to deal with is a
massive undertaking. I will never be able to function normally, or
comfortably. Not even on the simplest levels.

Very few like me make it out alive.

I don't care about me, I'm carefully programmed not to after all.

But what of the rest?
Even the one's who lie in neglected graves, scapegoated in death, as I was
intended to be?

Which includes my own Grandmother.
Literally manipulated to her death.........


Sorry, lies, manipulations, concealed agenda can damage as much and as
surely as bullets and knives. It's just a lot harder to prove and prevent.

Almost impossible to contain.

I have never seen a narcissist recover, they can't, they have nothing to
gain by recovery after all, and everything to lose. They go on damaging
others, and the rationalisations get more expert over time.

And people, often the most innocent, go on getting hurt, through no fault
of their own, with very little choice in the matter.

The N will always survive, by lying, cheating, stepping on others, threats
and intimidation. The survival of the victims is not thus guaranteed.

They have priority.

But even after that, what on earth is gained by funding Ns to tell bigger
and better lies? Rationalise and justify themselves in new, more effective
ways and go on grinding other people into dust as usual? Because that is
ALL that would happen. What, after all, is the life of an N but one long
confidence trick? That is never benign?

Society needs to pour its funds into containing the capacity to harm of
psycho/narcissistic personality types. Before having any claim on healing, or the compassion of society, the N must first contain (in a REAL sense) his capacity to harm.


Anonymous said...

I know exactly where you are coming from. I almost can't say anything more because how deeply it has touched me . I am alone now from realizing the only people I allowed into my life were all narcissists. And realize I must pay close attention with every interaction until the day I die to make sure I keep the cycle broken. All I can say is atleast we don't have the N disease even though maybe it would be less painful.

Unknown said...

Help please, I believe my 14 year old daughter's stepmother is a N. Whenever I try to talk to my child the stepmother begins accusing and blaming and pushing buttons. My daughter will not talk to me. I am concerned. She seems brainwashed by this person. Her father is away in Afghanistan. I have joint custody but my daughter won't even speak to me.

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your pain.
I'm not an expert but I'd keep in touch via her friends if not by leters. I'd make sure you don't worry your dughter about your fears about stepmum though.
With joint custody you have legitimate concern to seek help from school or elsewhere. She's still a child. Keep calm but talk to your doctor if no-one else, he'll probably be a mine of info'

Anonymous said...

ancient rain,i know exactly what you are saying, i am coming to terms with my own nightmare that has left me wondering how to build a life when it seems there is nothing to build it upon.i didn't realize the damage till late in life,and only sought help after seeing my brother take deep abuse.i do not know how to even start to repair,the damange is so complete,from story is so horrific i think it would be hard for anyone to take in.i hope you find some peace and recovery. i know how impossible that seems,i'm there myself.God bless you.

TheMaleExperience said...

I fell in love with a narcissist about 5 years ago. She was with someone & did not seem to have much interest in me other than friendship and for praise. I've said many nice things about her. She's never once said a nice thing about me, other than once saying I'm "nice & good", which did not seem much like a compliment. I started talking to her again recently and she starts in w/ the subtle hints.."sometimes I just want someone to hold me..what would you say if someone asked you?" Things like this. Once I was lured, then the mixed signals began. I was confused & wondering if this person ever liked me at all. Then I began remember incidents where she set me up to humiliate me. Recently, she pulled me into a situation. Her dad is drinking himself to death, & she said a strange thing, that her divorced parents have "stayed close & talk often". That rang bells. I said something about my last girlfriend, how she tried to control me w/ sex, witholding for weeks then tearing me down when I got upset. This seemed a blow to her. Come to find out, the boyfriend she told me she was broken up with, is actually being strung along and incredibly jealous. AND, she has a girlfriend. AND, she's been sleeping with an older couple. She tore me down, found every flaw in me and hammered me on them. I loved her, for good reason, because at core, we love the same things and have similar sense of humor. There is nothing I can do. I felt like this person was THE ONE for me..and the shock of seeing that her sexist, psychotic mother has been covertly abusing her dad, who lost his job, who's mother is terminally has made me question if there IS a God at all and if there is any hope for this society, because it just seems like these scapegoaters, social climbers and leeches are everywhere. AND, though my mom seems to have empathy, I have noticed many narcissitic things she has done to keep me bound to her. Triangulation, gaslighting, doubting..whenever I would go visit my dad in summers, if I had a dog, some sort of freak accident would always happen to the dog. I've not been able to have one since. There'd always be some trauma or dramatic event designed to take my mind off whether I was happier w/ my dad. I'm not sure what's worse, being the son of a narcissistic mother or the daughter of one. I think my love interest has a toxically narcissistic mother. How can I even say such? She'd never believe me. She's already discredited and debunked me in her mind. The damage these people do covertly, without any consequences or way to retaliate or expose them, is astounding.

Anonymous said...

"it has made me question if there IS a God at all and if there is any hope for this society, because it just seems like these scapegoaters, social climbers and leeches are everywhere. AND, though my mom seems to have empathy, I have noticed many narcissitic things she has done to keep me bound to her. Triangulation, gaslighting, doubting.." <-- exactly what I am experiencing and have been for years, but finally found out what it is called! Thanks to all who write about your experiences. It gives me strength and courage to stand my ground and know that I am good and correct in this "judgement". All finally came to a head at my Mom's illness, my brother and his wife's "care" (word used very loosly) of them, and the N's "working" very hard for years to produce a drama that would manipulate many people into believing they were good and caring, but the public never knew my brother was tricking Mom into putting his name on all bank accounts, got her to buy an expensive car a week before she died with his name on it. No one in my extended family sees except me, because I'm the slandered smear campaigned scapegoat!