Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Narcissism in Action

We think that manipulative people are largely far away- we encountered them in RL, we just don't think of them as being on the net. Whether on the net or in RL, we need to know how they operate. Remember your N- how reasonable they seem to other people while you are tearing your hair out? That is narcissism in action- that is a teflon N/psychopath. Remember how they plagiarise emotion, your character, your identity, anything that will make them look great?

Often we are conned by narcissism in action ; as with the Ns we know, it takes time for our guts to warn us about others; if our guts say "something doesn't feel right" about something or someone we have come to trust, that someone just seems too good to be true, we need to heed that warning! Ns always wear teflon in public; you will know them by their constant and consistent seeding of doubt and gossip, usually in private, when a target does them "dirt". Like all Ns, the disordered and the disturbed, it is predictable that they will ascribe mental illness/disorder to said targets.~Invicta


When the narcissistic defense is operating in an interpersonal or group setting, the grandiose part does not show its face in public. In public it presents a front of patience, congeniality, and confident reasonableness. However, beneath the surface it is supremely smug and superior. It is confident it can deceive the "fools" or their objective it is committed to blocking, while maintaining its own control and dominance over either the rules, and/or the flow of events.

Bruce Gregory, Ph.D. © 1999

These manipulators are rarely original thinkers.

Plagiarists and thieves, they seldom credit

the true originators of ideas,

often co-opting authorship…. Tobias&Lalich


For a behavioural description, go here: NarcissismInAction:Behaviour

For Real Life examples, go here: Narcissism and Grandiosity


Anonymous said...

This is exactly how my abuser/narcissist appeared in public. A unassuming, reserved, "nice guy." Who would ever think of him as grandiose, smug, or envious? I know the truth- although I was clearly in denial about someone I was willing to give up everything for. He has been unmasked to me now and everything has fallen into place and makes sense; 12 years of insanity can finally be understood. However, of all my close confidants- I seem to be alone in my understanding.

Anonymous said...

Good for you. The unmasking is one of the first steps towards freedom. You are not alone. Trust that your confidants have red flags that they, too, are or have been ignoring. I thought I was the only one that knew and it kept me from moving forward for a long time. Much to my surprise, once I opened up just alittle, I discovered many people saw him for who he was. But not the full on personality disorder; that he saved for me. It is a mask... and a muted and transparent one at that...

Denise said...

After 3 months of no contact (after 18 years of marriage) I thought I was all set. And then I got sucked back in and interacted with him and met him for dinner and now I am in terrible intense pain.
Why did I do that and why do I still wnat to fix it?

Anonymous said...

I'm just beginning to realize that my husband is a narcissist and I'm very scared. Lots of people adore him and he has 800 friends on Facebook, which he spends all his time on.

I hear, endlessly, about how someone thought he was cool. He's hyper-interested in being seen as cool.

But at home it's all different. He's extremely passive agressive, has been physically abusive.

the most troubling thing for me is that he has convinced my best friend and my brother that he's madly in love with me. I was stunned to hear this. We haven't had sex in 8 years. And he doesn't treat me like someone he loves.

At the same time he says he loves me, he's been moping for ages that he never wanted to be responsible for anyone. Yet somehow he has a wife and child! When I asked him to tell me how he could love me so much and think of me as a bad responsibility at the same time, he claimed that he sued to think that way but doesn't now. Then he said that my son and I are a burden. I told him that I might as well leave him. He changed it to our son being a burden and couldn't understand why I didn't agree (our son is a very high functioning asperger's 18 year old bound for college.

My husband did ZERO to help our son. He didn't even speak to him until about a year ago when our son became so depressed that he wound up in the hospital for 6 weeks. Mostly due to the fact that he's afraid his father doesn't love him.

Does this sound like a Narcissist? I'm TERRIFIED that if I leave him he'll come after me. When I mention divorce he gets very upset. I'm a beautiful woman who dresses really well. In fact, I can spent lots of money on clothes, but we get in fights if I want to spend money on our home. I feel like an accessory.

I could go on, but this is long enough.


jarofhearts said...

Denise, I feel your pain except your relationship was MUCH longer than mine of five years. I went through two months of NC two years ago and it was heart wrenching. We got back together and I was ecstatic, we were meant to be, I thought! Two years later I am three days in to NC again after experiencing the SAME situation that tore us apart last time. The same woman, the same lies, the same betrayal and heart ache; not to mention the constant feeling of not being good enough, never meeting expecations, walking on eggshells for him, feeling not beautiful enough, not smart enough, and not giving him enough unconditional love to make him do the same. Everything was conditional with him. Now, even after going through the same experience two years ago, learning so much about narcissism, and seeing him in a different way (realistic and human) I still am in pain like I was then. I feel like my heart is aching and the thought of losing him completely even though we were not really happy together, feels like a piece of me is dying. I feel empty sometimes....empty, sad, exhausted, and alone. I hope this changes. I hope time really does heal and I hope that the scars on my heart will not keep me from dipping my toes into the dating world again. How does one remove the scars from being hurt continually in love? I feel like I need to figure that out before I can attempt to love again. Denise, you're not alone, I am right there with you as many others are too.

Camille said...

Well my husband left me 2.5 months ago without explaination after 22 years together. I have since found out about his girlfriend. This man is the picture of charm. Handsome, intelligent, hardworking, wonderful to everyone except everyone he lived with. Years and years I have tried to fix this marriage which sadly I came to believe was not good because of me. After reading this website I can see I was actually his prey. Lying and manipulation has been his game. He has no contact with the family anymore. None with his children but has lavished his attention on to his new prey and her children. I imagine she is thinking she has died and gone to heaven. The pain and lonliness I experience each day is unbelievable despite knowing I am finally free. I think this may be because my loving, kind. caring nature believed in this marriage whole heartedly and stupidly never expected this betrayal despite only one person actually being committed to it. He is a master though because he lead me to believe that everything was ok up until the day he left. I have now recieved papers from his lawyer and it is apparent his next move is to destroy me financially. I am curious and have to ask - what are others experiences with the divorce proceedings with these monsters? Any tips or words of advice on surviving the legal battles? Thanks

Anonymous said...

Get a good attorney, I hired a shark, a woman who empathized with me and wouldn't allow him to steal a penny. We found out he manipulated documents and had all his t's crossed and I's dotted. Remember, he left you in the dark and was working behind the scenes while you still thought everything was ok. He has had an advantage over you to see his plans carried through way longer than you've had time to think, and now that your devastated and almost crippled in your emotions it's hard to get a grip on the situation. My thoughts turned to those with experience and first and foremost is get out of your emotions and begin to think of your future. Be stealth. He now is your enemy. You need to take action to protect your self interests, your assets, and mental health. Stay in realm of logic. Most of all get a highly competent lawyer who's good at dealing with this type of person. I did, and he was forced to pay. State laws are set up to help you as a spouse for 22 years.your entitled to his SS and retirement along with medical and in some cases alimony. Dont make the fatal mistake of allowing him entry into your home or your affairs. He can't be trusted. Let the lawyers do the leg work so your not sucked in emotionally any longer, they'll be plenty of time to greive the reality that he was never the husband that you believes him to be. Good luck