Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Unfailing Love

Unfailing Love

Love can fail, and we must know it can fail. For if love was always reciprocated, how could there ever be sincere love?

Rather, every person retains his free will. No matter how strong you pull with cords of love in the right direction, he may always turn his back and run away.

But you have done your part, you have shown love. And what is the reward for that love? It is the elevation of your soul, and his soul, and the drawing of the Infinite Light upon all the community of all the world.

text from "Be Within, Stay Above" words adapted by Tzvi Freeman


Heartbroken Mom said...

But what of the "unfailing love" of a mother? Is not the unreturned love of a child the saddest of all? And how do I reconcile "no contact" when giving up on a child, even an 18 year old child is equivalent to abandonment in the eyes of a parent and society...It contradicts a mother's instinct and goes against every belief and value I've held dear. And as his first "victim", I have contempleted this course of action. In hind-sight, his father is probably NC as well but diagnosed bi-polar. Just as the abuse of my husband subsided to a more tolerable level (I believe because I changed the "dance step" and could care less about his crap), my first born, 17yr old NC son reared his ugly, evil, narcissistic head. My long awaited, happy, awesome baby boy. I have been abused by both husband and child and will now have to leave them both...with no job or savings...another topic...and a second child, 16 yrs old in the middle of it all. What of A Mother's Unfailing Love"? Does she sacrafice her own sanity for the instinct to "walk on hot coals" for her die for him...for the promise made upon seeing his face for the very first time....I will always love you and protect you...I will never abandon you. I will love you "UNCONDITIONALLY". Does it not follow than that I sacrafice my own needs including sanity? To continue to be humiliated and abused in order to remain faithful to the promise while seeking help for him and me? I deal with the guilt of hating him and plotting my escape. Perhaps escape and isolation is necessary in order to keep the promise of Unconditional Love. For if I stay, self- preservation will inevidably kick in, as will my indifference towards him.a fate worse than hate for most. But who's fate will suffer?? A normal psyche would suffer and my feelings of guilt would be warrented but as I am writing this the reality is setting in that it is not the truth for him. So my leaving, my hatred, my "indifference", will not be received in the same way. My God!! He does not receive my love except as amunition to manipulate and abuse. He does not even receive my hatred and anger except to insult. And my indifference in the past has only served to make him shrug his shoulders and walk away...not to motivate or pursue the relationship or try to please...He does not miss me when I am unloving. He shrugs and moves on until I come back looking for him again. My first promises mean nothing to him. They only have meaning to me. Then what is the point of keeping them...he does not understand honor or sacrafice. To him, I am a "moron" for sacrafices made for him. My God!! How do I continue living with this reality?? The pain is beyond explanation. It is the anti-everything. I do not know if there is anything worse for a mother than this. Time heals "most" wounds, not "all". This wound will remain open and oozing, until I die. Hopefully, not after...there is no reconciling with this kind of grief...the death of a child would be easier to reconcile. At least twice I have wished him dead. It would be so much easier for me to live if he were dead. How bad than must my reality be if I can think that..years ago I thought the death of a child would be the worst thing..the sane person's reality... I can openly express this now, without guilt, because the truth is it would not hurt him, at least not in the way I could ever understand, to know these thoughts. It would just be more amunition. Death would be a welcome relief for both of us, I think.

Anonymous said...

To heartbroken Mom - As another mum in the same position I commented on another post of yours before reading this one, which moved me to tears because I so identified with every single word. I too have wondered if it would have been easier if they had died. I split contact 6 weeks ago from my n. I knew I had to because I am on the verge of physical and mental breakdown. But it does not make this action any easier. I've spoken to mothers of alcoholics/drug-addicts, who have had to ask their adult child to leave home even if it meant them living on the streets. They have learnt that unconditional love does not mean unconditional suffering, and that first and foremost we have to love and honour ourselves. We put their welfare first when they were young but we have a right to protect ourselves from the abuse of adult children. These things I am learning but it is a hard journey. Part of my guilt is alleviagted by the knowledge that it is truly a different world for my n - my disconnecting was unacknowledged and as far as I know, has had no effect. He is a survivor, attracting in an interchangeable procession of people who serve his needs without care or regard for them as individuals and suffering nothing upon their parting. My n used to openly state that he would rather be feared than loved, he wanted fans not friends, and attention/adulation rather than affection. I keep remembering this and reading about all the characteristics of narcissists - of which mine desplays every single trait to a marked degree - and reminding myself that he really is wired up differently and does not think or feel the way I would. It helps, but it is still a hell of a journey. Best wishes.