5 Tips On How To Live With A Narcissist
By Kathleen Brizendine, M.A.
A narcissist's emotional growth stops maturing at the age of 2 1/2 or 3 years of age. This may be due to a trauma, which was more than their young psyche could withstand. Emotional growth was shut down, while intellectual and physical growth continued into adulthood.
Those who live with a narcissist usually begin to dance to the whimsical tune of a toddler in an adult body. This can be overwhelming and sometimes cripples family members emotionally until they understand the narcissist's game plan.
Children of narcissists, often choose a narcissist for a mate. At first, it may feel cozy and homelike to be manipulated by a handsome, charming, tyrannical lover, along with making them feel crazy and hurt. When a person becomes aware they have married a narcissist, they have several options. If they choose to remain married to and emotionally vulnerable to a narcissist, several basic rules are required to nurture equilibrium and mental/emotional health.
* SUPPORT SYSTEM: Develop a support system of 3 or more healthy adults who are in no way charmed by narcissistic behavior. They may have narcissistic family members of their own, but they must distinguish between genuine and manipulative behavior styles. Every week, confidentially and respectfully share healthy adult viewpoints among support system members to counterbalance those of loved ones who function emotionally at the level of a toddler.
* PERSONAL BOUNDARIES: Become aware of personal limits, needs, desires, irritants, and aspirations. State these clearly to the narcissist. Actively promote self-care in all interactions with the narcissist. Don't do anything that makes you feel uncomfortable just because the narcissist tries to get you to do it. Only do things you feel comfortable doing. Let the narcissist deal with his or her own disappointment when this happens. Return to active interaction with the narcissist only after the manipulative behavior stops. Trust your own judgment.
* LIST 3 BEHAVIORS NEITHER PERSON WILL TOLERATE: When the list has been agreed upon, make a sign and put it up where you both can see it. When either person breaks a rule, the other partner must point it out in private, calmly and with respectfully chosen words. The partner who acted out must clearly apologize and state clearly the plan they have in place for making certain this does not become a pattern in the future. If one partner ignores the agreement more than three times in any three month period, the relationship should be renegotiated with a trained professional present.
* WIN-WIN VS. NO-WIN: Another term for "no-win" behavior is "crazy-making". Narcissists may ask their loved ones to perform mutually exclusive tasks or behaviors simultaneously. They may then become angry when their demands are not met. Create a simple format for developing win-win solutions and apply this repeatedly as needed. At some point, the narcissist will become bored with crazy-making tactics and abandon them for another way to get his or her way. Consult Conflict-Resolution websites for basic win-win rules.
* TOOLS FOR MANAGING EMOTIONAL OUTBURSTS: Neither partner should be allowed to treat the other with disrespect. This includes words, tone, body-language, and innuendo. Everyone needs to let off steam. If someone needs to vent feelings, that person must take responsibility for those feelings, not blaming someone else for "making" him or her feel it. Any person who is being treated with disrespect, according to his or her own perception, has the right to take time alone, or with other friends until the disrespectful behavior ends. Accept the required apology gracefully and move on.
13 comments:
Thanks for this.
I am so relieved to find information on this topic that actually makes sense. Thank you.
My daughter-in-law has been diagnosed with histionic personality disorder. It seems that narcissism traits are also present. Thank you for the strategies.
My daughter-in-law has been diagnosed with histionic personality disorder. It seems that narcissism traits are also present. Thank you for the strategies.
is anyone still on this? I am so glad to have found this Blog....need support due to long term living with a N. Counsellors can't relate to what it's been like, only after learning about this personailty defect have I come to relaize what I've been dealing with. I felt crazy before, couldn't explain the shit I dealt with in this relationship, now it makes sense to me and I know when to detach and oull away (but it still hurts!). Glad to be here :)
Living with one too. It is really exhausting emotionally. To do and to be without being affected by the negative comments thrown at me is REALLY difficult. I can't imagine living without him, but this living isn't good. Bring a child in the equation, it only makes matters worse. The constant bickering, the recurrent guilt is just too much at times. I used to work, and then home life was bad, I could never do anything right. Couldn't keep the house clean enough, couldn't cook enough, couldn't dress right and I was portrayed as a spend thrift as I used to buy lunch at work. So, I quit. I figured, if work makes it worse for family, why work for the few more thousand dollars. What was my peace worth? Must be more than money. Things didn't improve in the homefront still. I'm still not a good enough house keeper. Not a good wife and the constant gloominess is wearing me out. Once in a blue moon when he feels lonely, he'll smile act sweet and I'll melt and a couple of days later, back to square one. His dreams are all crashed, I'm a bad parent and because of me he is not able to succeed in his life and career. He doesn't raise a hand at me, he doesn't call me names, he just says that he's lost and fed up in life and all his dreams are crushed. I try to put on a brave face, struggle to understand him. I can't. I can't let go of him either. I tried to suggest counselling and that didn't sit well with him. He is not a bad guy, he is a nice man. He is a good father. I do need a support group. His parents and siblings are extremely protective of him and I was put down a lot of times by them I finally stood up for myself, now I'm the bad guy. They don't talk to me, I don't care about that, he doesn't seem to mind it either. I just want him to be happy for his own sake. It is a lonely place he is in, I want to help and motivate him. Lead a friendly life if not a romantic one atleast. Divorce is definitely out of question. I'd never want to put my child through that. So, this is my life - or so called life.
Just an example of the sheer amount of crazy guilt I carry;
I paint and a gallery was interested in hosting a few of my pics. I gave it to them. I told him about it, he didn't mind. Another one showed interest and took a few of my paintings, all of a sudden, he sees my act as trying to sell the pics for money because he can't make enough. ???!!! He doesn't even care about my works, doesn't understand it. But wants to censor what I should not paint and how I should not display. He says he is emotionally attached to them. I tried to explain him that its the recognition that matters and not the money. And now I'm supposedly the woman who is too independent and arrogant asking her husband to mind his business and shut his mouth(?!).
I can really identify with the Anonymous post from Mar 20, 2012..... Everything is always my fault all the time. He had a very traumatic childhood, father was verbally, mentally and physically abusive. His brother has what I think of as Narcissist "Rages" where if he isn't paid the proper or what he deems proper respect he goes into a rage at the person. He did it to me the last two times I have seen him and I do not speak to him anymore, will not go around if I think he will be there. If that sibling calls, I won't answer the phone, I let the answering machine pick it up. Refusing to acknowledge by "fighting" with them seems to be the best thing. They need constant stimulation and like a child, bad attention is better than no attention at all.... I've just realized what was causing this, guess I'm a slow learner, we've been together 30 years. All this time I've been told (and believed) it was me, and that there was something wrong with me. He's told me things like nobody else would have you...... I guess as the old saying goes, misery loves company... it nice to know you're not alone. I definitely will come back to this spot - support from someone who will not "take sides" and just a friendly voice from someone who loves you also helps. Find/Make your local support group.
I also wanted to respond to the post on March 20th...I am so right there with you...I nearly cried reading your words, because it is like we live the same life. I really thought my husband was just a really "strong personality" it wasn't until a few days ago that I read what narcissism is and I COULDN'T BELIEVE there was a actually a name of what I have been going through all these years!!! My husband and I are the classic text book example of what a narcissist and co-dependant couple look like NOBODY knows the secret life of torment I live in and I constantly try to mask it to EVERYONE and even myself by saying it's not that bad...but, deep down in my heart I know we are a toxic and dysfunctional and now my kids are getting to the age where they can see it and it just breaks my heart! I have even told him that sometimes I wish he would just hit me so that I would KNOW a line has been crossed, so I wouldn't hesitate to leave. And then there are times I wish HE would leave so that my kids wouldn't think it was me that was the "bad guy." He rarely calls me names, and is never physical with me, but he controls me with his BLACK MOODS, ANGER, RAGES, SILENT TREATMENTS, EXTREME JEALOUSY, and OVER PROTECTIVENESS, and constant MOOD SWINGS!!! And it doesn't matter how much I cry or try to explain from my perspective...he NEVER sees where I am comming from! I can usually expect a blow up every 3 days...and I never know what will set him off. It can be as little as not asking him if he would like something to drink when I am getting myself something, or a complete meltdown if I am too tired to have sex. His jealousy is my biggest heartache. I can't have ANY relationships with the opposite sex and if he thinks I have looked in a man's direction (even if they are just crossing the street) then it turns into world war 3!!! Pretty much EVERY outing as a family ends up with me in tears after he has accused me of "looking at someone." He gets me so upset by these crazy accusations that I once even threatened to jump out of the van while he was driving and my kids were in the back (I can't even believe it myself). And then I blame myself as the one who has the problem and is the over emotional one.As I am writing this I can't even believe I stay with him, but the fact is I do care about him and his well-being, and the GOOD times are REALLY GOOD, and he can actually be the most romantic man in the world,funny, charming, the poems he writes, the compliments he gives me, the loving and amazing father that he is, and the dreams he has for us suck me back into the madness everytime. He was my first love...my dream guy. I know I have my own issues and I am not perfect(though I try to be and try to make it look to the outside world that we are the perfect family), and I am enabaling him to act the way he does when I go along with his crazy ways...like giving him a "rundown" of every male I talk to during the day, Or I will look down at my feet whenever we are out in public. I give up, I am so tired of the constant fighting and my appologizing when I know I am not in the wrong, and his black moods. I would leave in a second if we didn't have kids. But I also feel so sorry for him, it will break him to his very core if I left....he may even become suicidal. We have been to a Christian counselor, but he just wanted to give us happy little scripture verses and send us on our way...never understanding that we were drowning in turmoil and needed serious and immediate intervention...rules, boundaries, guidelines of how to even make it in the car ride back home....hopeless! So thank you for your post and know that I too feel your pain. I live it everyday. I don't know if I can keep up this charrade (sp?) much longer. Knowing I am not alone really helps...I fantasize all the time about just being a normal couple, I so want that most of all for my kids.
I saw an interview with Christy Brinkley today and she talked about her X husband and this condition. I got on my computer and just read and read on this. As my life and what I go through on a daily basis was explained to me, I just kept crying. Mostly because I felt like I was reading all about exactly what I live! It was scarey yet amazingly shocking! WOW!!! This describes my husband and what I go through all day! I thought I was all alone with this!...sometimes I feel like its all my fault. I even say to him:I'll try to be better"...gosh! Thank you for this support page!
I feel some relief from reading more about this condition and everyone's posts. I am separated from my husband who I believe has this condition. After years of torment and instability with him, he ended up pushing the envelope further with me and abused prescription pills and later crystal meth. My therapist has cautioned me about the slim chance of his ever changing. He is in recovery, but makes the same choices that create stress in his life in the first place. He constantly lies to me, has a girlfriend he lives with and swears up and down she is a friend. We have a 3 year old who needs my attention more than my soon to be ex. Staying with him I believe would do more harm than good for my son.
I felt like reading my own life written down here from march 20 th post and the rest. I had a very difficult life with my boyfriend/ husband for the last 12 years and still going through a hell right this moment. I had a relationship with him because I heard that he had a abusive mom with a neglectful dad.. I felt like he just needed my love which I was ready to give him.. We were so good together for first couple years. We had our first child and I had a very rough time then and we were separated for six months when my first son was 3. My family members got into his manipulation with his sympathy seeking behavior and we got reunited. He was gambling behind my back and I did not know for many years. I never suspected him gambling until he was my first one turned 4. He is from gambling family Or community. Therefore gamble is not seen as bad as what I thought. With some help of family and feiend's help he stopped gambling for 3 years and we were fine until he went back to gambling again. I felt like he was not capable of loving anyone.. His heart has this black hole that prevents him from loving anyone except himself but then there are times that he has a very low self esteem. He "loves" being around other people, party, likes to please others.. Very generous to others if there is some benefit for himself. I have seen him play mind game wiith other people. Very very manipulative, lying is his norm ( calls himself very honest guy). Little things makes him angry, sometimes anything gets him mad but there are times people step on his head and nothing happens. Spends money excessively, gives anyone money or things but won't provide me with money at home for the kids. He doesn't spend any money on me or the kids but I hear many people saying how generous he is. I feel like he tries to buy attention or whatever. Tips his dentist.. Takes his workers for dinner, lunch so on. But no time for me and his children. When we talk about his children, he talks about himself. He loves the children but he makes tome to see them only when he needs them or misses them or when he is bored with the rest of the world. If I knew any kind of by product of childhood abuse and narcissim I would have been very careful to be around him.. Too late nowi have two children and I do notwant to divorce but will have to live with a lot of knowledge about this disease and will see what happens next.. Big hugs to you all who is living a similar lives like mine. Have compassion to all..
I feel the same although no longer crazy and frustrated just sad. this is my life every time that i get close to enjoying anything or achieving anything he staarts again. this week it was because i stopped the car 30 meters short of where he wanted to get out. yesterday was because i started taling when he wanted to speak. i am not psycic i dont know if he wants to speak. i feel so sad and i want out, but he now behaves the same way toward my daughter and if she was alone with him half the time i think it would destroy her. i am so tired of being sad.
Its such a devestating position as a mother myself reading these posts looking for support because I too have a child with a narcissist. Its one thing for a person to ACT or portray themself as crazy but terrifying when you realize they really are!!! My sons father is currently doing 3~5yrs found out during pregnancy did a background check hes done 10 yrs before hand aliases and soo many guilty pleas for drug charges. His parents were abusive neglectful siblings have messed up heads too. Every family has issues even mine but I have a very big heart, loving caring nurturing and have always despised abusers cruelty and down right evil people. I feel stuck bc I was brainwashed and always have to remind myself to take those blinders off love is respect dont care how fucked up your life was. I was a rape victem years ago so trusting men is a big issue im used to running and hiding where im paronoid fearing for the worst. But I cant run now im a mother I will die to protect my son from the things I have seen, heard and now know about his father. I have seen his crazyness and the laughter where he tourmented me chasing me down isolating me from family n friends went through hell when I was pregnant now he is gone temporarily. I felt he was genuinely sorry n apologetic my son needs a father I basically fell in love with a fake ass dude. Drugs, money, n material things n himself always comes before his son (took me out of equation) legally im teriffied he will try or get some kind of custody/visitation. Biggest worry is him hurting my son (fear of unknown) bc narcissists are unpredictable! its a mothers undying love that makes me paronoid crazy trying to prevent what may or may not happen. Its mentally draining trying to be 100 steps ahead who cares about me my son is my LIFE. I want to get sole full custody now but I feel like the court systems dont really have the time to see what goes on behind closed doors thats why theyre so stuck on whats in the best interest of the child. I know they dont like parents bashing eachother, would never want my child in that scary enviroment anyway seeing his parents fighting, scared, or blaming himself. But they see soo much brainwashing from convicts that its hard to tell a fake person from a genuine. My sons father is now at almost 15 yrs in prison so that narcissist mentality is NORMAL in there! Hes a natural con artist his whole life. I dont want my son to be harmed physically, mentally or emotionally and he knows thats how he can get to me. Then like I said to him when he w got locked up and cried to me for days during calls and visits begging me to take the baby and leave hes not normal, he admitted he abuses everything in his life apologized for hurting me, abandoning us all the things I needed to hear. Him not in denial, a breakthrough heres the real guy not mr tough guy, I saw progress I did love him (the nice side) bc we deal with dr jekyl mr hyde and this personality is the guy I 1st met and fell in love with before the verbal and emotional abuser. I dont have time to teach him how to be a father let alone a man it SHOULD be common sense. I cannot fix him, I dont have a guy out there as a replacement, I seen this all the time never thought I would be here myself so I prayed my sons not a mistake so many said abortion I said no Im totally against murder theres always adoption ppl who cannot have kids would take them. Yet I dont have a story lined up for when my son asks who his dad is these are sooo many HARD decisions leaving you confused as to what direction to take and my sons interest has always been first. ANY MAN WHO JEOPARDIZES HIS FAMILY IN THE END WILL BE SAD AND LONELY AND A FOOL AND MAY HE CHOKE ON HIS ARROGANCE!
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