Wednesday, January 28, 2009

HEALING: Leaving the Net

Leaving the Internet

I suppose it is hard to understand why anyone would actually want to give up dealing with narcissism and psychopathy, especially when all the accumulated experience and knowledge could help people. In the past couple of years I have been talked back into staying (managing the group) even though I had begun to chafe at the chains that bind me to everyone who has truly suffered the nightmare of disordered encounter.

After all, there are those "brave" people who toil selflessly, and self-sacrificially in the name of making the world safe from an overabundance of narcissists and psychopaths and abusers. This includes the psychopath himself, masquerading as an N, and all his handmaidens and acolytes, which does not include the majority of sufferers.

Having come to the end of my time on the net regarding the N issue, and the general fading of my interest in narcissism/psychopathy, I have learned this much. There is a time when it all stops; there is a time when it doesn't matter any longer. There is a time, where even fighting the miscreants who give support groups on the net a bad name and harm others with their ignorance and mendacity doesn't matter. Life matters. That is all.

Here are some signs that your interest in your past is waning:

~ Boredom.

~ Not learning anything helpful.

~ No fresh revelations.

~ Annoyance with those who seem to be stuck in complaint/victim mode.

~ Unwillingness and lack of desire to go over the same territory or experience in different words one more time.

~ Hitting the boards less and less frequently; it no longer consumes all your time and life (necessary at the time). Often, you come back for a while. That is the natural rhythm.

~ Recognition that there are many "victims" who have not encountered a psychopath/N.

~ Inability to put oneself out for another- been there, done it, heard it all before, and it's an endless cycle and a treadmill lost in noisy space.

You see, this is what I have learnt at the end of this journey- that when one suffers trauma, the greatest healing is manifest in being interested in life and no longer in the past or in the concepts. Continuous psychologising and analysing and hubristic theorising (especially by those with no foundation in psychology) no longer hold the same fascination or promise of redemption . And sometimes there are no answers. It is enough. I guess that is what is called "making peace" with it all.

I began my own group because I was revictimised by that little psychopath masquerading as an N, ubiquitous to the net. Further to that experience, I have, since then, had to deal with various disturbed and opportunistic individuals connected to the psycho; it has been an ordeal in dealing with so much insanity and greed, so far out of my sphere of real life experience.

I began my own site as therapy. Here, I could express myself without sanction or deletion. I highly recommend that road to anyone who has a differing point of view from the overwhelming saturation by the psychopath and his worshippers. It really does not matter whether you are right or wrong, but rather, that you can express yourself, that your voice is added as an alternative to the deadening one -note- janes out there.

Moreover, the board was an afterthought, and basically fairly slow with few members. After all, the spamming on Google was pretty well accomplished (and still is). If my friends at "Safe and Secure" are still around, then it is a group as S(p)am free as one can get, and highly recommended. One of his infamous (just spell my name right) handmaidens was challenged out of existence, there. Now, here come the refugees, and I guess, people who want a slow board where they will not be lost in the turnover.

But this is the bottom line, this is what I have learnt: if you seriously, seriously want to overcome the trauma of your encounter with the disordered, you are not in these net groups for the long haul. Unless you are a social worker/psychologist, pathological, a liar, interested second parties, or dealing with specific pathological issues of your own, beyond the trauma, one has no desire whatsoever, to stay in this place of pain and remembrance.

The most freeing thing is to immerse oneself in life, not memories, or even helping others, after a while. In trauma, there is no way out except to leave the past behind, fully acknowledging that it has become an integral part of one's history, but that it no longer rules one's life. I really believe now, that if you truly leave something behind, it does not inform your life, unless a reason crops up. What I mean by that, is that if I can be generally helpful at some time with my experience and knowledge of the disordered, I will be, but I will no longer seek it out.

I have been off and on in groups since 2000. I cannot believe it has been more than four years. I think that the effect of a psychopath is immeasurable, compared to that of an N. I have known an N, and in wanting attention she could not hold a candle to someone who wanted to annihilate you for amusement. However, I believe that her husband, if he ever got a clue, would disagree with me.

I think that ultimately, those who stay on the net for many years after being traumatised and continue the "good fight" are fighting something else. No question that I stayed longer because of the S(p)am guy and one of his handmaidens who bears a name reminiscent of feminine hygiene ads. But that's another post, for the future. I would question anyone who would continue to stay year after year with the same tired old arguments and stance, and continual repetitive analysing that leads to the same conclusions. Or provide endless scattershot undiscriminating "information" from sources that provide neither cogency nor comprehensiveness. Essentially, one wants to move on. Not stay.

This is the redemptive lesson of trauma. It wants pure and simple healing. And, after the fact, it owes nothing to no one. Such is its ultimate beauty and power.

~Invicta Jan 03/05

©2002-2010 InvictaMA.

I have archived the posts in hopes that they continue to be a source of knowledge, help and healing.


Anonymous said...

I have found your blogs and other information invaluable having just discovered my late mother was a narcissist, I aim to come back here often for more infomation for myself to work through as I learn to accept that I was not to blame, Great work, Thank You.

I have also created a forum for survivors on the ning network

Anonymous said...

Ah, yes, finding room in your life...for life! It is a good and necessary thing, and the happy place in which I find myself now. It felt like this day would never come, but it has. Time to rejoice, and move on.

Anonymous said...

I completely agree with you. It took me awhile to come to that conclusion--but I believe that what you focus on--manifests in your life. I would like to share my story and give others hope that there is a happy life after a Narcissist. I had a horror story with a Narcissistic cop. But to keep coming back would not be moving forward for me. I do not want the N to take up any more of my life. 9 years was ENOUGH!!!!

Anonymous said...

I have enjoyed your blogs about Vaknin's site and the harm it can do.

I agree that at some point it is healthy to leave the net and stop seeking advice from people WITHOUT valid pscyhology degrees who are masquerading as supportive people.

An example of a site that poses as one meant to help survivors of narcissistic abuse, but does much harm to its members is

The site is run by a cop turned photographer named Gary walters, who constantly submits posts containing self-promotional links to his mediocre trite photographs.

In addition, Walters had polio as a child and frequently discusses how he was sexually abused by a male relative.

It is obvious he is seeking compliments only for his photographs.

Any honest critique of a Walters photographs causes all the moderators to mob the member who has criticized walter's work, and to eventually ban the member.

Another site owner at the site, is called Haggis. Haggis has since changed his name to eclipse. Perhaps because a number of people have been posting dis-favorable reports of

Haggis is divorced from a women that was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and when fighting to get full custody of his kids was told by the family therapist that Haggis, too, had a part in the failure of the marriage, but when asked to examine his part in the failed marriage he refused and claimed the therapist was incompetent.

Hmmmm, that sounds like a narcissistic trait.

There is also a moderator known as Moglow, a divorced mother who used to work for her brother who has diagnosed her own mother (without professional counsel) as having NPD.

Moglow appears to be triggered by any member who posts links to reputable studies that negate Moglows personal opinions about NPD.

Another moderator known as 2bad has aspergers syndrome and true to this syndrome has very poor interpersonal skills....This moderator with Aspergers frequently becomes enraged by posts from traditional EDU sites that outline the traits of Aspergers syndrome.

It seems insane that any site would even consider appointing a person with aspergers syndrome as a moderator on a board for abused people, but truly has done this.

All these people are quick to ban anyone who disagrees with their own personal opinions regarding PDs or apergers, particularly when a member posts link to an edu site that supports the member's knowledge.

It seems that the site owners and moderators at out of the fog feel that their own experiences with a PD render their own conclusions more valid than the conclusions of Educators and thoroughly trained psychology professionals.

The moderator with aspergers frequently sees personal insults in generalized comments.

If a member disagrees with a moderator and posts supportive links to EDU sites that show that the moderators opinion is simply an opinion not backed by any credible research or logic....than that member will be banned.

I think these sites are harmful to people recovering from narcissistic abuse because it subjects them to further narcissistic abuse from the site owners and site moderators....all of whom obviously have severe psychological issues themselves and no psych training to help them overcome their own personal triggers.

Anonymous said...

I have found your blog to be the most useful. I had an encounter with a guy who came very close to destroying me completely on every level. I could not understand him or anything that happened. And as it happens with N's, my reality became so twisted, I didn't know whether he was right in what he said and did and whether it was all my fault. The more I tried to understand him, the more my mind was f*cked. Over and over and over again. Your blog helped me understand to NOT understand. To just accept it and him for what it is and rebuild myself. I think I was very fortunate that I was not with this man for long unlike many others who have had to endure that kind of relationship for years. I consider it a blessing in disguise that I did not marry this man, that he disposed of me the way he did. I believe I am stronger now than I ever was. I accept that he never cared or loved and that he probably never will be able to.

It's good to be free. Thank you for this wonderful blog.